Letter for the Lunkhead
by vixen6
Summary: Faye says goodbye to Spike, and no, this isn't an angsty SxF fic, It's just Faye-Faye saying goodbye.


I don't own cowboy bebop. I don't even own an animation cell from cowboy bebop :(  
  
  
  
  
They say that sometimes writing a letter is a good way to deal with the death of a loved one. This is probably the 20th letter I've written to you so far. The first ones were filled with angst, hatred, jealousy and mindless immature ramblings.   
  
They weren't right..they weren't the way I wanted to leave things with you...  
Then again, weeping and shooting blindly into the air wasn't the way I wanted to leave things either, but I guess that was bound to happen sooner or later.   
  
Alot has changed since you've been gone.  
  
For one there's definetely alot more food around, though I'm not as hungry as I used to be. The other night during dinner I spent most of the time pushing my food around on the plate, only to realize that I made your face out of some broccoli heads and mushroom stalks. It choked me up so badly that I had to leave the table. When I came back the next morning I noticed that my plate was still there. I guess Jet thought it may have upset me if he had cleaned it up. Hell, it was even hard for me to scrape the food off the plate a few days later. Yes I said days, I left it there for 3 days. Some people use books to cope, some people use prayer, I use rancid vegetables.   
  
  
We still have the Swordfish 2. It was impounded on Mars for a while, but Jet was able to pull some strings with some old ISSP buddies to get it back. I've even flown it a few times. It still smells like you inside, the calm scent of ciggarette smoke mixed with whatever musky cologne it was that you wore. The one I always used to tease you about, the one that I said smelled like yak's breath, then you would say I smell like a yak's ass..then we would fight... I really miss fighting with you Spike. Most of the things you said or did never hurt me as much as I let on. It was fun to have someone to tease, and to be teased by someone. You were the big annoying brother I never even knew I wanted until you were gone.   
  
I'm getting off subject again, sorry.  
  
  
As far as your ship goes, we still haven't decided what to do with it yet, as long as Jet and I keep bringing in the bounties, we won't have to sell it. That's another thing that's changed, Jet and I work suprisingly well together believe it or not. We haven't really talked about you being gone yet, it's still too soon. I imagine maybe one day it'll come up if we're both drunk enough. I still annoy him to no end, and he still tries to act like a dad. I still leave the ship for days on end, and he still vows to never take me back, but he always does, just like he did with you..he misses you Spike, I know he does. He doesn't cry, he doesn't act sad, he doesn't seem angry or hurt like I did at first, but deep down I know it hurts him. He always got you though, he understood why you had to leave, that's why he let you leave. Not that I think he really could've stopped you anyway, hell, I knew that I couldn't. Besides, shooting you only would've delayed things if only for a little bit.   
  
You were amazing like that.   
  
That was one of the reasons I looked up to you. You were tougher then me, faster then me and smarter then me. You cared more about things that really mattered and knew how to tune out everything else. I was the total opposite, but now I'm different because of you.  
  
I'm better because of you.   
  
I'm not saying I'm a brand new person or anything, I'm not saying that at all. I still smoke way too much, talk way too much, wear way too little, and I'm still selfish. I don't think any of those lovely personailty traits will probably ever change, but the one thing that has changed is my perspective on life.   
  
Because of you, you poofy haired suicidal lunkhead, I realize now that my past doesn't matter, and neither does the future.   
  
All that really matters is the present.   
  
I learned that from you even though you weren't capable of seeing it anymore. The night you left, you told me how part of you was stuck in the past and the other was stuck in the future. It was the only thing you ever told me about yourself, and while I don't think you meant it as life lesson, that's what it's become over time.   
  
If I hadn't met up with you and Jet, I have no clue where I'd be today. Even though I wouldn't have had to go through the pain of losing you, I also would have never learned to live my life without wondering or worrying about who I used to be or what lies ahead.   
  
Your death has taught me how to live, and I know I'll meet you again cowboy, but hopefully not too soon. I've still got alot of living left to do. 


End file.
